I can only accept the gift silently

Although I wrote these words to you, I will never show them to you. Don't worry. I just want to write it when I suddenly want to. It's also a memorial to my childish love, which can't be called love. Or, I am entitled to look back on all this until now, and really write something.

For you, I just want to say one thing: please don't let me harm you again! You are a good person, very good. Maybe you don't think you are very good, but at least I think so.

I always have the habit of keeping a diary. Every day, every minute, every second, I will write down things that I think are meaningful. If I count from the first year of high school, I have had six years of life on paper, so I remember some things more clearly.

I still remember that when I first met you, I was neither far nor near. I said a word or two occasionally across the corridor. I really only had the impression of honesty.

Later, we became front and back tables, and more and more of you appeared in my diary, even more than any boy, no, any classmate. Every day, when I go home with Zhao Zhongxia, I mostly talk about what kind of jokes I have played with you, what funny things I have done, or how stupid I have become. I even laughed and said: I just want to marry you.

Originally, I thought this was the peak of the relationship between a boy and a girl. But unexpectedly, in the last days of senior three, we sat together again. Maybe at this time, learning really oppresses me, and the indulgence time is really too little, so I'm also crazy. At that time, I could even see you eating alone from afar, so I left Zhao Zhongxia and them to chase you like crazy, and grabbed your clothes to let you eat with us, ha ha.

Behind the time, there is another thing that I didn't tell you. One day after school, on the way, you told me that you dreamed of me last night. In fact, I dreamed of you that night.

In my diary, it was written as follows: I dreamed of him last night, and this noon he told me that he had dreamed of me too. The same night, in the same dream, we met in a dream. It's amazing. Is this the legendary fate?

You said you dreamt that you beat me up. No matter what you said is true or false, in my dream, the scene is mixed, so vague, and whirling around, but you took my hand and ran, crazy! In the vagueness, everything is so unreal, but so real. From the following plot, I guess you dream about the same as me, haha.

If, if, nothing happens later, we will probably let time stay in happiness forever. However, I was wrong. At that noon when the sun was still bright, you gave me a piece of paper that could not be any more casual. It was not even a love letter, but at most a letter that was a white letter.

I still remember how fast the heart beat at that time. You left, but I held the paper and slowly opened it. I just glanced at it and knew what it meant. Although I had a little expectation or doubt that you would do so before I received your love letter, when this moment really came, I really could not calm down for a long time. After standing at the door for a long time, I can knock at the door normally.

However, before you confessed to me, I even thought it was impossible for boys and girls to fall in love. Or, as we are so familiar, such good boys and girls would not fall in love. Maybe the relationship was too close and there was no novelty. Isn't it said that distance produces beauty? But I ignored another sentence: the truth is revealed over time.

In the afternoon, on the back wall of the teaching building, we really faced each other. I knew that I could not escape. My biggest fear was to make a decision. You liked to escape, but I liked it more and felt insecure. So, I moved out of the past of the first day of the lunar new year and even tried to test you about my secret love for Zhang Jian. In fact, I had already let go of Zhang Jian at that time. I just mentioned it, which is also a kind of honesty to you.

You say, don't mind, just say now, just say in the future, just say to you. I can't answer, can't decide, again escape. You said that you would be shameless and let me learn not to refuse. Maybe this is the reason why everything started.

It's been a long time since I promised you my confession, probably because of the college entrance examination. Everything seems so long. That afternoon, I was in a bad mood. I thought that the college entrance examination was bad, and I was afraid that I would review until I died. All rebellions and tempers erupted within a few days. I thought how my temper was so bad at that time. I didn't like everything.

After a big quarrel with my mother, I went out and walked on the street alone. I was very lonely. I didn't know where to go or who to look for. I thought of you. You really didn't disappoint me. I was the first one to grow up. You were taken care of like a child. You will deliberately let me walk on the inside of the road, pull me nervously when there is a car, and always ask me if I am tired and want to rest.

At this time, no one cares about my feelings. They only care about my grades, and they are still helping me find a review class. I am almost in despair. You are just a wisp of warm sunshine in the cold sea water. I just want to grasp it desperately. Don't let you leave me. I want to rely on and care! So I promised to go out with you when I was most upset and impulsive.

In the following days, everything seemed logical, such as talking on the phone, chatting about QQ, going out to sing, eating, walking in the park hand in hand, and listening to you say you miss me over and over again. I enjoyed all the care you brought me. I imagined that I was the happy heroine in various Korean dramas. Such selflessness, especially a trip to Beidaihe, made me remember many happy moments. Maybe this time is the peak of our love. Free and easy, no scruples, no time, geographical barriers, as long as there are mutual hearts, they feel that everything is not a problem.

Even if thousands of people didn't want to, thousands of people didn't want to, the college entrance examination results were announced. You may have made a mistake. You didn't even arrive at the second line, so you had to stay in the province to review for one year. However, I was only 30 points higher than the other two lines, and even the 2A in the province could not go, so I had to report to those outside the province. I studied the volunteer application guide for three or four days. I couldn't even say one, two or three. It was like being in a maze. I felt that the world was lost.

My father can only find my aunt to help me apply for a volunteer. I don't know which tendon is wrong, but she reported to Zhuhai for me. My father and my mother also chose to acquiesce. They wanted to send me far away. They also hastily applied for a major that they didn't even know what to do. It was all decided by my aunt.

My mind is in a mess. Is there a second way to listen to them? I'm really scared. I'm afraid of another dark and depressing day like the third year of senior high school. I admit that I don't have the courage to face it. I just want to escape from this place quickly. It's better to be far away. I can be more free and indulgent.

However, you should be very sad, otherwise you won't say that if you reported so far, I would jump off the bridge. You must have come to imagine the distance between each other in the future. How long can you keep this thin red line across mountains and rivers in most of China? However, I have no choice. I also want to make you accept all this selfishly.

Soon, school began. A two-hour and fifty minute flight completely took me away from you. I am breathing the free air, breaking through the prison and flying out of the cage in the freshness of college to enjoy the blue sky. And you, however, turned around sadly, and then walked in again, more than your senior year

The darkness is terrible.

From then on, day by day, one black, one white, one south and one north, everything was like the Milky Way drawn by the Queen Mother's silver hairpin. The gap was getting bigger and bigger. No matter how hard you tried to make up for it, it became futile.

You began to worry about whether it would delay my time and not give me the results. After all, things one year later are still a more terrible unknown. And I was immersed in endless loneliness. The originally imagined university was so carefree and enthusiastic, while the university I saw was like a pool of stagnant water, not even a ripple.

I began to fall into an unprecedented loneliness, no friends, no one cares, and nothing to do. There was only a lot of time, but not a single speaker could be found. There were only so many familiar people around, but no one who could be trusted to speak from the heart.

Maybe, when I am weak, I always want someone to accompany me. I begin to complain crazily. Why are you not with me? Why can't you accompany me? Why? However, you are trying to spare a little time to accompany me and chat with me in the day by day heavy study. But, as for me, I always complain, complaining that you are less and less humorous, and complaining that you talk to me less and less. Even, the heart has become numb and tired. I really want to stop like this, forget like this, break up like this, end like this, don't drag each other down.

In this way, I hurt you again and again, saying heartless words, saying dissatisfaction with you, saying that there is no hope for the future, and I will not talk to you or call you. I think that I am mature, I see through the impossibility behind the distance, and I can put it down. But you are so naive and ridiculous, and you are still looking at the impossible. However, every time you talk about silence, you will take the initiative to come to me. Every time you don't want to let me go. Every time when I hint at parting, you are vague, saying that I should wait for you for a year. A year later, there will be miracles. You can't let go, but I don't understand.

Time goes by slowly, our feelings in the hot summer, through the cold winter, but the ups and downs persist for a year.

It was the most poisonous June of the year, and you came out of the college entrance examination room again. Although you were smiling, who could know the sadness behind you? The time will come after all. It is also the day when the results of the college entrance examination will be announced. You face everything alone. How do you know that this time you are still disappointed. Only a higher score than the second line locks you in the province, and you can't go anywhere.

Maybe you remember what you said at the beginning: next year, I will go to the city where you are and wait for me for only one year, OK? Maybe you are tired and want to stop. This time, you first chose to turn around and leave.

For more than 20 days in a row, you completely disappeared from my world. There was no phone, no QQ, no SMS, really nothing. I started to panic. Even if I knew you wanted to freeze this relationship, I also wanted you to say it yourself, instead of your cowardly escape. I won't let you escape.

After that, I always painted QQ, one day, two days, three days, your head will always be gray. When I was about to accept this fact, you suddenly went online. I'm waiting for you to come to me and give me an explanation, but you didn't, until your head was once again ashed, you didn't.

However, I am still waiting until I don't know what I am waiting for. Finally, I couldn't help it. After the nth night like this, I asked the words in my heart: Do you still love me? Maybe it was too sudden. You kept silent for a long time, but finally you answered: still love, but let's break up.

In a flash, I seem to understand that when I was capricious and wanted to leave, you did not understand what the distance of thousands of kilometers meant, the pain of not being able to stay together all the time, or the hopelessness of staying together. You are not ignorant.

Instead, you love too much, and have always been obsessed with it. You want to stick to it silently, do not want to let go, and you want to take me to stick to it, and you want to give me a result. It turns out that everything is childish and ridiculous, I can't see your mind, I can't understand your pains, I hurt you again and again.

Until, when all the cruel things happened, and you knew that all the struggles were futile, you chose to let go, chose not to delay me, and chose to be really good for me.

The next day, you invited me to dinner for the last time and gave me a birthday gift that you were half a semester late. You said, "I almost thought I could never give you this gift again. Thank you for being willing to accept it, which makes me less sorry.".

I understand, really understand, but it's too late. I can only accept the gift silently and say: Happy parting, wish you more happiness than me. However, how much I want you to hold me and say: How can I be happy without you?! But all this has passed. I hurt you. Maybe it's too deep. You can't be sure anymore.

The end of the story tends to be flat and slowly ended, and we seem to be back in the past, busy in our respective small world. Although thousands of rivers and mountains are separated, we occasionally chat about QQ, laugh at each other once or twice, and share the new things around us, as if all this had never happened.

But I know that everything has not gone back, and everything is still fresh in my mind, but we do not want to touch it again. We just hope that everything is as good as it is now, flat and peaceful, as good as it is.

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